It’s finally time to buy myself a smart lock
As I write this, I am cold, a little wet, and listening to my wife laugh at my own stupidity. Back in December I just spent 90 minutes outside my back door because I locked myself out of the house. Again.
This is something I’m a pro at doing and it’s not even close to the first time it’s happened. I have a bit of a situation here where the bathroom in my basement is lower than the waste drain that goes out to the sewer. This means there has to be a pump that lifts water from the sink and toilet to the drain, and mine seems to be constantly broken. When nature calls and it dials a number one, I just jump out the back door and water the bushes. The joys of country life.
I’m sure a real and qualified plumber knows the right solution so I can pee inside but I don’t know any plumbers and am afraid of what this solution will cost me. So I have some solutions of my own: get one of those fake rocky things to hide the spare key, stop locking the door behind me when I walk out for a business meeting with the bushes, or just pull the 21st in. century and buy a damn smart lock.
I think there is another solution, but I’m just not sure about this one :/
I think I’ll just go with the smart lock instead of acting like I work for Amazon and have to pee in a plastic bottle.
Now the hard part – which one to buy?
I’ll have to be honest and say I hate smart locks. Part of it is spending so much time at hotels playing with clunky electronic locks that just suck and another part is remembering how things used to be and that you could bypass many of them with a 9-volt battery and a paper clip. Hopefully times have changed and there are some really good smart locks just waiting to meet my wallet.
I also need one that works in place of a doorknob because I don’t have a deadbolt on my back door. I never had a need because the only person thing that tends to try to break in is a bear looking for even more delicious garbage to eat. I really don’t feel like breaking out a drill and a hole saw to put in a deadbolt because there is a lot of measuring involved and a replacement door isn’t cheap if and when I screw it up.
I’m the kind of person who stresses about every little thing when I spend more than $20. I know I’ll read a million reviews and what every security professional has to say while changing my mind a hundred times, but I’m leaning towards the Yale Assure lever lock (opens in new tab).
I need one that uses a touchpad because I leave my phone setup on my desk next to my keys and wallet when I step outside for a quick ring. Yell “HEY GOOGLE UNLOCK THE DOOR!!!!!!” or using an app on my phone isn’t going to work and I don’t always wear a smartwatch. Enter my super-secret code – which is completely not 8675309 – coming back is what I need.
A big part of me is scared. I pretty much just want to get a “dumb” lock with a keypad and avoid all this newfound nonsense with smart locks and hackers and apps and such. I also want to scream at the neighbor’s children when they run across my yard, but understand that I must suppress these impulses or I will turn into my father. Dad will just smash the little window in the door and pull it open and unlock the thing and then complain for weeks about having to pay money to replace the glass. I love your dad, but you’re a little crazy in an old man’s way.
There has to be a good smart lock that works without a deadbolt, can’t be bypassed with a battery and wire, and doesn’t have hundreds of known exploits so that some smart kid in Croatia, Argentina, or Seattle can break into my house unlock. I just need to find it.
It is difficult and stressful. Maybe the Gatorade bottle is the way to go after all.
